From what I’ve read, Rochester usually ranks pretty high in a lot of “Best Cities To Live” lists. And for good reason – great healthcare, Minnesota is awesome, beautiful scenery and hiking paths, and a nice community. The cool thing is that Rochester is only getting better. A recent list on Niche.com, however, puts Rochester at #18. I mean, hey, 18 is overall pretty good. America has a lot of cities. But that’s not what this list is about. I want to look at some of the cities ranked higher than Rochester and point out why they actually suck. Let’s do this.

Madison, Wisconsin

I visited Wisconsin for the first time ever in 2013. Outside of the beautiful scenery, that 65 mph drive felt like it went on forever. Also, literally no one finished watching Making A Murderer on Netflix and went, “Wow, that Wisconsin sure looks like a great state to live in!”

Sunnyvale, California

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in the day, and that was set in Sunnydale, California. That’s too close for me. Not worth the risk of getting attacked by a horde of vampires while walking your dog just because you wanted to live in a city that’s described as “quaint” and “has restaurants.”

Alexandria, Virginia

Posers.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Out of all the cities listed higher than Rochester, this is the place I would least like to live in. Just imagine being surrounded by Patriots and Red Sox fans everywhere you go. I’d be willing to wager that every single morning show DJ is still whining about Deflategate. And those accents! No thank you. Mark Wahlberg sucks.

Berkeley, California

Without getting too political, I tend to be more on the socially liberal side. But even I think I’d be walking on eggshells over there. If I’m talking to someone and I find out that they went to Berkeley, there goes half of my vocabulary out of fear that they’ll throw bottles at my face and set my car on fire for being problematic. Why are ya’ll so mad and protest-y all the time? It’s always sunny where you live. Shut up.

Naperville, Illinois

You know it’s a little suspicious when the review about a city that’s only 45 minutes away from Chicago almost immediately gets defensive about how not murder-y it is. “This town is fairly safe, I never felt afraid walking outside!” You protest too much.

 

So yeah, I’m feeling pretty good about Rochester right now.