Charles Bramesco

A lot going on here.

The newly announced release date doubles as an in-joke for the weed-addled fanbase of the slacker comedy.

Much in the same way that I have always wondered who delivers mail to mailmen (if they live in their own district, are they allowed to deliver mail to themselves? is that a conflict of interest?), the writers of the new action-comedy The Hitman’s Bodyguard ponder who a career killer goes to when he finds himself a mark. Even professional assassins need a little muscle from time to time, and when one especially ill-tempered sunuvagun hires a body guard with a short fuse, violent egos clash with nose-crushing results.

A few years ago, I wrote up a brief item about an incident taking place at Los Angeles’ AFI Film Festival wherein an irate woman maced a man in the face for having the gall to ask her to turn off her cell phone during a screening of Mike Leigh’s J.M.W. Turner biopic Mr. Turner. “Wow, being at the movies sure makes people do crazy things!” I thought to myself. “I wonder how long it’ll be until the next time I get to write about a violent movie theater conflict over petty nonsense.” That day has come at last, and this time [beat to let the moment breathe] the stakes are even higher.

Summer movie season starts a little earlier every year, and in 2017, it has consumed May, April, and even our beloved March. Logan will kick off the big-budget bonanza in the first weekend of March, and then cede the floor to the gargantuan Kong: Skull Island the weekend after. Even so, these two releases in particular inspire hope rather than dread when reflecting upon the studio-fronted franchise releases encroaching beyond their summer stomping grounds. All the previews have suggested that these two films will have something original to bring to the table, and the latest clip for Kong: Skull Island confirms that if nothing else, we’ll have some delectable character acting to enjoy.

With the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl victory earlier this month, team captain and Gisele Bündchen spouse Tom Brady earned his fifth ring and hit a new professional high. He’s now won more Super Bowls than any quarterback in NFL history, having earned MVP status in four of the five to boot. While he’s begun to earn the ire of the sporting community for essentially turning the current-day Pats into the late-’90s Yankees (and for the business with the ball deflating and the Trump chumminess and the wearing Ugg boots in public and whatnot), Brady’s still an immensely popular athlete with an inspiring narrative behind his career. And that can mean only one thing: it’s time for a wicked pissah of a biopic.

Will Arnett’s gravelly voice has defined some of his most beloved roles: it made his bombastic doofus G.O.B. into Arrested Development’s MVP, it turned him into a worthy rival for Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock, and it perfectly suited him for the role of the Lego universe’s Caped Crusader. As the star of The Lego Batman Movie, he brings a certain actorly gravitas to every punch line, and the best part is that he can take that skill with him anywhere. Trying to quell a dispute between his kids? Batman lays down the law. And in a new segment from the BBC Radio 1 station, he puts his voice to good use once more, as a prank on an unsuspecting toy store.

Over the course of the eight Nightmare on Elm Street films, Robert Englund made dream stalker Freddy Krueger from a slasher-film specter into a major cultural icon. His sartorially questionable striped sweater/fedora combo, the pepperoni-like complexion, the razor-blade gloves — it’s all been enshrined in the horror hall of fame for years. He officially laid his signature character to rest with 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason, turning the role over to Jackie Earle Haley for the 2010 remake, but a new project indicates that Englund and Freddy can’t get rid of one another that easily.

Step right up, step right up and get your tickets here for the most dangerous, poorly-maintained, testicle-pulverizing amusement park on the planet! Deadline played the old-timey carnival barker this morning for Johnny Knoxville, announcing that the human crash-test dummy had suckered Paramount into funding another one of his deranged comic experiments. In the spirit of unscripted prankapalooza Bad Grandpa (a film destined to be confused with the Robert De Niro schlock-comedy Dirty Grandpa until the end of time) and the notorious Jackass series now comes Action Park, guaranteed to cause at least one instance of grievous bodily harm or your money back!

The strict dictionary definition of the word ‘new’ is as follows: “not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time.” So in the most literal sense, the trailer for The Belko Experiment that the film’s screenwriter James Gunn posted on his Facebook page last night is indeed new. It includes about fifteen seconds of fresh footage, in which Gunn’s brother Sean (so lovingly referred to as “Marty Espenscheid AKA Kraglin from Guardians AKA Kirk from Gilmore Girls AKA my idiot brother Sean” in the post) sneaks onto the roof of his office building with a couple coworkers for a quick all-natural smoke break. “Did you happen to read what you signed when you started working at this place?” he warns.