Today I received an e-mail that I wanted to pass on to you involving public swimming pools in the Med City. This came from the Olmsted County Public Health Services Department, and it’s about poop, so I obviously read the entire thing.

Pools that are added with chlorine tend to kill a lot of germs, with the exception of one germ known as Cryptosporidium, a.k.a. "Crypto," because I don't want to type that entire word again. Here’s the deal with Crypto – it’s caused by poop. Let’s talk about poop.

Every year, there are various outbreaks of Crypto in Minnesota, which can cause a lot of public pools to shut down. It can also lead to you getting sick. No one wants that, especially on a hot summer day. Those are rare and sacred things, so here’s how keeping your butt under control can save our pools and your health:

  1. Don’t Poop In The Pool

I feel like this is one thing in life that should go without saying, but I’m guessing I’d probably be surprised. Please don’t poop in a public swimming pool. That’s weird, man. The bathroom is right there! Try not to drop a candy bar in the pool, either.

  1. Also, Don’t Pee In The Pool

Samesies.

  1. Don’t Swim If You’ve Recently Had Diarrhea

The only time it’s acceptable for you to have diarrhea and be in a public swimming pool is if you inform every single person in the pool area that you have diarrhea. And please, I beg of you, film their reactions. I would watch that video.

  1. Wash Your Butt Before You Get In The Water

Here’s a great opportunity to take your Soap Game up a notch. You can go with traditional Irish Spring, or you can have your butt scrubbed clean with Fresh Lilac or Grapefruit Pomegranate Exfoliating Scrub. There are a lot of soaps, is what I’m saying. Your butt, your public swimming pool, and society will thank you.

  1. Take Kids On Bathroom Breaks Every 30 Minutes

No matter their age, I highly recommend loudly yelling out to your child, “Honey, it’s time for you to go potty-wotty so you don’t go poopsy-whoopsy in the pool!” Again, do this every thirty minutes. For safety.

  1. Don’t Swallow Pool Water

*vomits uncontrollably*

Source: Olmsted County Public Health Services