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I Ate This Box Of Bacon Buttermilk Pancake Muffins Because I’m An Idiot

This morning, a mysterious box appeared in the lobby of the Z-Rock studios. When I showed up to work, a small crowd had gathered around it. No one knew where it came from, but everyone was intrigued and slightly confused by the label:

Credit: TSM Rochester
Credit: TSM Rochester

Yes, that’s right – (New!) Bacon Buttermilk Pancake English Muffins. Did anyone know that these existed? More importantly, should these exist? We were all pretty perplexed. That’s when Frank, our web guy, looked at me, the newbie: “I dare you to eat this entire box.”

The small crowd of coworkers turned to face me. I was on the spot. Sh**, I thought. I had no choice.

Credit: TSM Rochester
Credit: TSM Rochester

The first bite wasn’t too bad. It’s a little bland, and definitely tasted more like a thick pancake batter than anything. That overpowered any other flavor that was advertised to be in these muffins. When I was halfway done with the first muffin, I immediately started regretting my decision.

My strategy then became to just inhale the next two muffins before my stomach could start telling me, no, Jordan, wait, hold on, what’s happening right now. WHAT ARE YOU EATING.

Credit: TSM Rochester
Credit: TSM Rochester

By the time I was eating the fourth one, I really started having doubts about being able to finish the box. At this point, each bite tasted like I was chewing on crusty, days-old pancake batter mixed with flakes of something that looks like bacon, but is definitely not bacon. I only started tasting bacon when I burped for the first time. It was not pleasant.

I ate the fifth muffin like a zombie. It was taking all of my brain power just to quickly chew and swallow. The final muffin took me about 10 minutes to eat, because at that point my stomach was starting to give me a small glimpse about what would be happening later that day. But I did it, so I was able to win the bet, even though I’m pretty sure I’ll be losing the war.

Right now, my stomach feels like that one scene in Alien is about to happen – in multiple areas.

Credit: TSM Rochester
Credit: TSM Rochester

Do not buy this.

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