An Open Letter To The Obnoxious Wisconsin Girl On Flight 372

Dear Loud & Obnoxious Wisconsin Girl,

Hey there!

You don’t know me, but I’m the guy who sat ahead of you on our flight out of the Twin Cities last weekend. I’m guessing you won’t be able to read this for at least a few days, because by the time I’m posting this, you’ll still be out partying with your dad and his girlfriend in Arizona, since you flew out to surprise him for his 56^th birthday. His girlfriend, who is apparently only just slightly older than you (24, but everyone you meet always thinks you're around 26), picked you up at the airport. Your dad had no idea were coming for his birthday. You knew he was, like, totally going to bawl his eyes out.

…Wait, how could I possibly know such intimate details about your life? Is it because…it was impossible for me not to overhear you tell your life story to the guy sitting two seats away from you? Even with my headphones on? Even with the volume turned all the way up? Even with a jet engine blasting away as we flew 42,000 feet up in the air?

Yeah, that’s probably it.

Seriously. Everyone heard you. You were so loud. And it didn’t stop. You sat in an aisle seat and kept talking to the guy in the window seat for nearly three hours. Everyone in my row felt so bad for the poor woman who had to sit between you two.  At one point, you loudly asked him if she was just pretending to sleep. “She probably hates us,” you said, in your first and only moment of self-awareness on the flight. You then went on to tell Window Seat Guy about all the drugs that are apparently very popular for people who work in the service industry. The person sitting next to me immediately gave me eye contact and silently mouthed "Oh my God."

I've been on airplanes where I've had to sit next to babies screaming their faces off. I've sat in front of people who kept unintentionally kicking my seat. I've sat directly behind a guy who turned his reading light on during a red eye flight. You were somehow worse than those people.

Should I have said something? Probably, but airplanes are not the best place to get into a potentially heated confrontation with someone. I just wanted to get to my destination, man. Besides, why should I even have to tell you that it’s not really appropriate to keep dropping F bombs words when you're on an airplane full of kids and the elderly?

Please. I beg of you. Take a train next time.

Sincerely,

Seat 29C

P.S. You’re not going to Denver in February, are you?