To all the package thieves and porch pirates of Rochester:

Hi there. You don't know me - most likely because I don't have a front porch where you can easily swipe one of my Amazon packages while I'm at work. But I certainly know about you. You're this person. Or this person. Or this person again and again and again. It seems like you people are showing up in the news more and more often.

It needs to stop.

You probably know that what you're doing is wrong...but that hasn't stopped you, has it? No, you live for the thrill of snatching a box off someone's front porch and waddling away before anyone sees you. I'm sure you've found an excuse to justify doing what you're doing. Maybe you're doing it to pay off your drug dealer. Maybe you think the person you're stealing from doesn't need that box. There could even be some deeper kind of illness at play; if so, I truly hope you find help you need. But there's no valid excuse for taking something that isn't yours.

Thankfully, I haven't been the victim of package thievery...yet. But I know people who have. I've also had stuff stolen from me before, so I'm definitely aware of how utterly violating that feels. That's why I (along with pretty much the rest of civilized society) get angry when I watch a video of this lady stealing a box of diapers meant for someone's disabled son here in Rochester. Just...why? I'd like to appeal to your sense of basic human empathy - assuming you have any - asking you to think how you'd feel if some lowlife stole something precious from you.

But honestly, that's not what this letter is about. I'm writing this to inform all the package thieves and porch pirates in Southeast Minnesota one very important thing:

You suck. You really, really suck. You are ***the worst***.

In the end, I can only hope that something you care about is suddenly taken away from you one day. I want you to live in that feeling. May karma pay you back tenfold. You suck. I hope the next package you steal explodes into an eruption of glitter and fart spray. I hope you step on millions of Lego pieces. I hope your favorite TV show gets canceled. And I know precisely where you can shove that last package you stole.

Whew. That felt good.

Sincerely yours,

Someone who thinks you suck

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